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About Photography / Hobbyist Lisa MarieFemale/United States Groups :iconself-injuryclub: Self-InjuryClub
Here to support self-injurers
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Deviant for 8 Years
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I keep chasing the high
Hoping I can forget what the low feels like

I keep crawling back to the pain
Hoping this time it won't be different and it won't hurt

I keep hanging on to his words
Hoping this time he'll mean them, act on them.

I keep hinting for more
Hoping he can finally give it to me.

I keep; Hoping
I Keep: Hoping
I only write when I'm falling in love or falling apart. And I'm really not sure which I am right now
I don't know the words to write about him.
How could I when I don't know what it's like to touch his skin?
When I hardly remember the sound of his voice?
I don't even know what his hand would feel like in mine.
So how could I possibly know the words to write.
About someone who I know so well.
But don't know at all.
She always did see things in a different way.
The signs she begged for.
The words he said.
She saw them as more than they were.
As if a person could be more than a person.
As if a flower could be more than a flower.
Because she despreately needed something.
Something that could be more.
Something that could be better.
And she wanted it to be him.
More Than This
She wanted him to be oh so much more. I wanted him to be oh so much more.
They tell you, learn to love yourself and the rest will follow. They say it like it’s so easy. It’s not easy, not when you’re overweight, and don’t know how to do your hair and make up, or just have a generically unpretty face, it’s not easy. But I did it, or at least I started to. I hung out with myself, i said no to hanging out with people who were toxic to me. I put a crop top on my overweight body, and didn’t just feel pretty- I felt happy, and not because of the compliments, but because I felt confident. I wore bracelets and red lipstick and winged my eyeliner, it took months to perfect, but once I did, I was so happy. I took selfies, tons of them because I finally felt worthy of putting my winged eyed, red lipped face on instagram for the world to see. But the most important part- I was doing this for me. Not to impress some guy,not for likes on instagram, not to make some girl jealous, but because I liked what I saw in the mirror when I did, something that was a first for me in my life. I truly began to love myself, and that’s not to say I didn’t have awful days where all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry tears of mascara and clutch at the fat the plagues my body, or give up trying to put on the pair of size 6 jeans that used to be big on me, because I did. Because self love is a process, and I was working on it.

Then he came along, out of nowhere, just wanting to talk to me, to get to know me again. Then to tell me I’m beautiful, to tell me I’m sexy, to tell me he thinks about me, dreams about me. And it seemed perfect, it seemed right. We had the same beliefs, the same dreams, the same goals. We were two halves of the same whole. I never felt pressured, or like I was reaching out of my league. And I thought, this is it, this is my reward for loving myself finally. I wasn’t ready for this before now because I was too concerned with myself to be concerned with anyone else. Our relationship grew, my confidence grew, my love for myself grew, it was going so well. Until it wasn’t.

He didn’t so much grow cold, as he simply went silent. Not necessarily ignoring, but also not responding. It drove me insane. What did I do? What did I say? It wasn’t me at all, it was someone else. Someone, closer, someone with her life together. Someone easier. That ended, back to me he came, acknowledging that I never left him, never changed my mind, was always there for him, was his confidant. It grew again, stronger this time, closer to that capital “R” Relationship word. So close. Then silence. Responding when it’s convenient, quiet when I need someone the most, all the while with someone else, someone closer, someone easier. The distance fought against us, the timing wasn’t right, it wasn’t meant to be. The fault this time was not in ourselves, but in our stars.

But, he’s not the reason my confidence has been slowly falling, that has to do with being home in this toxic house, in this toxic city, the place where I was the most broken in my life, the place with nothing left to give me except the vehicle to get out for good. I just hoped he’d be there beside me when I go, he was supposed to be the one to make being back in this toxic place a little brighter.

How do you get over something that never happened, over someone you never loved, or even dated. How do you say goodbye to the idea of something?
The Idea
Sometimes the idea of something is better than the real thing
*TW: Suicide*

Five years ago today was my 17th birthday. Five years ago today I almost died. It's called rock bottom. I hit it, I hit it hard. Twelve pills and a razor blade later, I changed my mind, luckily just in time. Ever since the birthdays have been a strange thing for me. I no longer celebrate the day I was born, I celebrate the day I survived. Sometimes I run my fingers over the fading scars and remember that night in flashes. That night that I thought I had nothing left to live for, and then the brief moment I realized that I did. I will forever be grateful for the little voices I heard coming from downstairs, the little voices screaming "happy birthday, aunt Lili!" The voices of two little boys just as broken as I was. I realized I had to live for them. For the possibility of the future. And it did get better. Yes, there are days when I feel like dying all over again, but on those days, I just tick off all the reasons I have to live and I realize those will be greater than any reason I want to die.
I don't post a lot on here anymore, I have my tumblr for that. But this is for me, this is me writing down my thoughts with no worry about who may read them. To those of you who do take time to read this, do me a favor, as a birthday gift comment on this journal and tell me about something beautiful in your life. Give me, and yourself some hope.
Be strong. Be Brave. Live.
  • Listening to: Taylor Swift-22
  • Watching: Game of Thrones
  • Drinking: Water

Journal History


TheyCallMeLili's Profile Picture
Lisa Marie
Artist | Hobbyist | Photography
United States
"And though she be but little, she is fierce."

Current Residence: Oz
Favourite genre of music: Broadway
Favourite photographer: My dad
Operating System: Windows
MP3 player of choice: iPod
Shell of choice: Turtle
Skin of choice: Green
Favourite cartoon character: Snow White
Personal Quote: "I don't do drugs, I do performing. It's a natural high."

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MattShadoinDesign Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
thanks for the fave!
FaeLuna13 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2012  Student Writer
:iconthankyou1plz::iconthankyou2plz::iconthankyou3plz::iconthankyou4plz::iconthankyou5plz: for the :iconfavplz: on [link] !
waffles999999999 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012
Thanks for the fav :hug:
Booky-TrueIdentities Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for the fav!!!!
hushed-lullabies Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Happy Birthday! (:
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